Faith with a capital F.

I did some flying over the past few months. At one point, while at 32,000 or some odd feet above the ground, I became convinced we were falling out of the sky. This fear began a few years ago. I could blame it on 9/11 or I could blame it on the mere fact that as I’ve gotten older the reality of how little control we have over our lives has begun to frighten me. I’m fairly certain it’s a combination of both.

On one particular flight a couple of weeks ago, while sitting next to my mother, I again became convinced that we were falling out of the sky. There was a bit of turbulence and without the ability to relinquish my need to feel in control, I immediately found myself in a panicked state. My 59 year old mother took one look at the panic in my eyes and said “oh honey, all is well. You need to stop living in fear, without fear we can do anything we want, we can go anywhere we want. When our number is up it’s not up to us”. You see my mother loves flying. I’m not sure if she always did but she certainly does now in the same way I used to. She then put her head back and closed her eyes. She had a slight smile on her face and her fingers held her place in the book she was reading. She was completely and utterly at peace. It was a moment where I deeply admired her. I also felt a strong desire to go into her pockets and steal her faith from her…or at least borrow it. But I know it doesn’t work like that. She’s spent her entire life molding her own faith and I have to do the same. I am doing the same. Faith is a tricky thing for me at this point in my life. I have it and I’ll defend my feeble version of it to anyone who asks. But there are moments such as that one, where I find myself flying without a net, that make me think. I feel like that thing I call faith that lives inside me is merely an infant. It desperately needs to be fed regularly so that it can grow into the kind of Faith that has a capital F. It’s that kind of faith that will allow me to fly without fear. After my mother told me her stance on relinquishing control of when our “number is up”, she was sure to clarify that she wouldn’t be going sky diving anytime soon. She said it in a tone that meant, I’m not afraid of dying but I’m also not stupid honey. She also commented on my lack of fear in going trapezing and flying to Ireland for 4 months all on my own. Sure, I’ve lived without fear. I’ve taken risks and made big mistakes and big victories. So what’s happening in my life right now that my Fear is bigger than my Faith? I think what’s happening is the string on my spool is so tightly wound it’s cutting off my circulation. I can tell you this as a certainty because having a month or so where things weren’t so tightly wound freed me. I think it’s called happiness. I think it’s called letting go.

I don’t regret any of the choices I have made over the past 3 years. What would be the point of that? I’m a mere few months away from being able to let some of the thread go on my spool, or letting some of the balls drop, or I’m closer to some other metaphor that works in this situation. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a constant state of having open heart surgery. I’m wide open. The result of that? I feel everything. There is no lesson lost on me. I love it, I cherish it, I wouldn’t have it any other way. But sometimes, it makes me need to take a few more time outs than others might need.

So in saying all this, it’s January. It’s a new year. So I welcome you, 2010, with open arms. It’s so nice to meet you and I can’t wait to get to know you…

Dear Misery,

So long sweet mistery. You’ve kept me company for just about my whole life. I think the first time you came to me was when I was 4. I remember standing there, holding a cardboard box filled with toys, wondering where my home went. Since then you’ve come and gone, but I’ve always known you still held the same address as me, I’ve always known you were lying next to me, breathing the air that should have been mine. You’ve kept me warm on many nights, I can’t deny that. But it was the kind of warmth wrapped in tears and darkness. It was the kind of warmth where the only sanctuary was pillows and blankets and the return of the night.

So long sweet mistery. I have no doubt I’ll see you again. I’ll even go so far as to say you are welcome to visit. I’m a big believer in the whole spectrum. The intense rainbow of emotions is what makes me who I am. But please hear me when I say you are only allowed to visit. Take up residence somewhere else. The loft above my apartment is empty. I think there might be a duplex down the street. I’ll cosign the lease for you. I’ll buy you some furniture. I’m not saying you haven’t been loyal. But I’m done needing you, and it’s time to move on. I’m done relying on you instead of myself.

So long sweet misery. I know you used to take up residence with my mother. I think I thought you would leave her alone if I let you move in with me. I took you on as my loyal companion. The thing is- I understand now why I needed you. I’m sorry my mom kicked you out, and now I’m doing the same. But you really should be on your own. You’re better as a visitor. I’ll see you every once in a while, maybe we’ll reminisce and maybe I’ll wrap up in you for a night. But from now on, I’m going to rely on myself.

So long sweet misery.

Love,

Kate

Life through a lense

Thanksgiving was warm, delicious, restful, and filled with laughter. It was an inbetween that I desperately needed. Words will follow soon…

My sister and brother-in-law came to NYC to visit before Thanksgiving and we went to see the balloons inflated a couple blocks from my apartment

Delicious Thanksgiving dinner. And yes, I cleaned that entire plate!

Second round on the walkway over the Hudson with the fam

ahhh family

Away We Go

Sometimes a movie comes along that fits right inside the place within me that was longing to be moved. It’s like a hole asking to be filled. This movie did just that for me. It was everything from the music, to the wonderful relationship in it, to the dialogue… It’s about loyalty and going against the current. It’s about being ok even when you have nothing, because when you are with the person that fits into your soul, having them is more than enough. It’s about bringing a baby into the world and promising to allow that child the freedom to be whoever they need to be. It’s about promising to always be there. And it’s about home, the idea of home and what that means. Is it a place? Is it a building or a roof or 4 walls? Or is home really just about where we choose to rest with the people that make home, home.

It moved me. And there’s really nothing more magical than the moments when that happens. I’m not saying anyone else will even like this movie, this post is not an advertisement (though I know it partially is that by default). I just was so moved that I needed to express it. Who knows, maybe by my expressing it someone else will be moved to be moved…make sense? “When it comes to settling down…never settle” -Away We Go

Run. Push. Snooze. Sleep…

I haven’t written in a while. My excuse? The most obvious would be the amount of work I’ve had lately. The less obvious would be that every time I’ve started to write I’ve gotten frustrated by my lack of creativity and given up.

I was reading some of my old blog posts earlier today, some of them published, some of them collecting dust in the category known as “(no title) DRAFT”. I read through them and wondered what had stopped me from publishing them. They are colorful and intensely real. For as long as I can remember it’s my writing that is most real that scares me to death. What would happen if those words were released out into the world? Would they fall like lead balloons around me, or would they float gracefully and open new worlds of acceptance? I came across one that was during a time in my life of restfulness and peace. It was a time of peace that came after a long and intense period of anxiety and intense fire and change in my life:

“I’m taking a break from all of that. For the moment, I’m just here. I’m existing in my own peaceful and simple reality and it’s where I need to stay for a bit. I’ll wake up eventually and I’ll start pushing again. My mind will race with ideas, words, and thoughts. I’ll capture them and turn them into the next phase of my journey. I’ll twist the pieces of my creative torment into a life for myself. I always have. Survival is easy, it’s living beyond surviving that takes careful consideration.”

It seems I have trouble finding the medium in my life. When there is no fire I yearn for it, and when there is fire I long for a hose to put it out. I remember that feeling over 2 years ago of sleeping endlessly and without struggle. I remember having so much free time I didn’t know what to do with it. I believe I used the word “bored” to describe my life back then. And then I found NYU, and the fire within me was lit again to do more and push for me. It satiated the hunger within me to push myself for a while. Now as I enter into my final stretch of this journey I find myself more than ready to dial down the craziness and melt into a little something I like to call peace.

My feet are worn from running and my hands are tired from pushing.  I’m coming to a place where I’ve visited before, it’s a place where I don’t feel as worried about being perfect, it’s a place where hitting snooze is ok and then, when the world is shut out and the noise dies down, there is sleep…

There's nothing better than napping with Max the champion napper.

We took a trip to the newly finished Walkway Over the Hudson in Poughkeepsie with my parents. It was beautiful, cold, but beautiful

Tomorrow my sister and brother-in-law come to NYC for a visit before we all head up to Poughkeepsie for Thanksgiving. I’m so looking forward to the next week…and to sleeping.

 

Wednesday afternoon slump

“Head down wondering what will become of me…”

 

-Pig by Dave Matthews Band.

Dead on.

Aunt Kate

My sister found out today she is having a boy. She’s 5 months pregnant and she is going to have a little boy. I am so excited I can hardly sit still. It is so much more real now, and so much more wonderful.I cannot wait to meet this beautiful little person that I already love so very much.

Becoming an aunt makes me happier than I can even attempt to express with my feeble words.

My dad recently joined facebook and so he just updated his status to say the following:

David Grott It is a Grandson! I have the biggest grin on my face that will probably stay there forever!! This is simply marvelous! Just Wonderful! My first Grandchild!!

Is there anything more wonderful and terrible and painful and heartwarming and beautiful than family? It’s everything. I cherish mine and am completely in love with the fact that it is growing.

What a fantastic day today is…

Free to be.

It was a beautiful weekend. The kind where responsibility falls away. It didn’t matter what time it was because the only place I had to be was exactly where I was whether it was 12 noon, 8 at night, or 3 in the morning. It was the kind of weekend where sleep came easy and naps were abundant. I laughed and played and dressed up for Halloween with my friends and it was wonderfully fun.  It was a busy past week lacking in time to reflect, write, or even take a breath. This weekend was much needed. It reminded me that I am happy right where I am, even in the moments of unknowing, I’m happy. Maybe it’s because after 27 years I kinda like who I am, where I’ve ended up, and where I’m headed. I woke up excited this morning. It’s a Monday, I have lots of work to do this week, and yet I woke up excited this morning. It’s this feeling that I cherish and cling to and try to remember when I have a bad day or a bad week. It’s this feeling right here, the one that comes just from waking up in the morning, from breathing, from being, it’s this feeling that makes every single moment worth it. Even when life is cruel. It’s so worth it.

It’s the realization that we are free to be that really makes life so much sweeter.

my beautiful friends

This was my favorite costume, I loved Beaker!

It's hard to look tough in a german beer maid costume, but I tried

Getting caught in the rain

I sort of want to do this right now. Preferably in a foreign country and with a dear friend. Wine and exploration would follow. Sigh…oh cold and boring desk please turn into an airplane.

Free falling

It’s really easy to get caught up in the past, or wish we were different, or better, or had more money. It’s easy to remember a time when things were a little bit better, maybe life seemed lighter or we were a bit younger or better looking or freer. Maybe there was a bubble of time in our lives that looking back on it today, it seems perfect. The reality of it is that nothing is perfect until you are so far past it that you can’t see it clearly anymore. I was reading some of my old journals from a time in my life that I often look back on and think of as “perfect”. I was 18 and prettier, smarter, and happier…wasn’t I?  I was more creative and my intellect was fresher and sharper…I think. In going back and reading my journals I realized I have completely created this rosy picture of that time that is just not true. Sure, I was younger and had less cares. I was foolish though, not nearly as healthy, and I didn’t know half of what I know now about life and the world. I think the part that makes me think of that time in a way that I long for it is that I was a little more naive. I believed love could cure everything and when I did love it was fierce and completely pure. I didn’t worry about getting hurt or making the right decision, I just loved and that was the extent of my decision making. I didn’t have to worry about how the bills would get paid or what would happen to me if it all fell apart. “It” being life in general. What would happen if it all fell apart? The same thing that has always happened, I would keep going. The thing is, we do get older, and the more life we live the more lines and bumps and bruises we get. The journey gets etched on our skin and in our hair and on our faces. We don’t leave this world the same way we entered it and yes, there will always be a time that we can look back on and say “things were better then” because once we have moved past anything it seems better than when we were in it. I know how I survived when I was 18, I went through it already so of course it seems perfect…but there is no “once upon a time”, not in the way that it is meant in fairytales at least.

I’m not sure what the next year of my life will bring, I’m not sure what the next week will bring. The only thing I can do right now is get through today and enjoy exactly where I am…no matter where that may be. Life wasn’t perfect when I was 18, when I was 12, or when I was 25. Life isn’t perfect at any age, but if I looked any different or had someone else’s nose or hair or brain or right foot, I wouldn’t be who I am. If life had been any different for me thus far I wouldn’t be sitting here drinking a caramel macchiato on a Tuesday morning writing these exact words…

I’m still young and the road ahead won’t be perfect, wouldn’t it be boring if it was? Thinking about it that way makes it easier to realize I don’t have to worry about what comes next or where I’ll end up because I’ll end up exactly where I am supposed to. It makes it a little bit easier to jump when I look at it that way. It makes it a little easier to fly…

Oh I remember, I can fly